Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is it me?

Ok, so in my running world, things are pretty good. I did a 5 mile run Sat, 2 miles on Sun and today I did my scheduled 3 miles. I even got up on Monday and did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I'm glad I did because I need the time to destress. I've mentioned in my past blog that my youngest son is a challenge. I love him death and wouldn't trade his spirit for the world. He is a very loving boy (when he wants to be) and he's definitely a momma's boy and when he loves me, he does it with every part of himself, but when he's in a bad mood, he hates me just the same way. It baffles me that someone could have such extremes. He also really only has 2 speeds, fast or stop - there really is no in between. For 8 years, I have fought bringing him to a psychiatrist, mainly because I did not want him put on drugs. I have watched children look like zombies because of their medicine and that is not something I want. I enjoy my son's passion - when he does something he enjoys, he does it all the way.

One thing that I have noticed throughout his lifetime is that if he can't do something perfectly, he chooses not to do it all. When he was a baby he was a late crawler, but he didn't just crawl, he basically speed crawled, and then when it was time for him to walk, he was late with that also, but he didn't walk, he ran. He gets so frustrated when he can't do something, and he doesn't know how to deal with his frustration. He also doesn't know how to deal with his anger. If something doesn't go his way, he takes it to extreme, so much so that he ends up in his room. Once there, he kicks, screams, hits his head on the ceiling, etc. I finally decided that at this point I have tried everything, and the only thing left is to get him some professional help. I hate this decision, because I feel like I have failed him. I have tried to protect him, and guide him, and now it seems I can't do either.

In the back of my mind, I know taking him to the psychiatrist is probably the best thing for him, but it kills me that I have to do it. I have not done a good job as a mother. How selfish does that sound? This is not about me, this about my son and what is best for him. But is this decision the best; what if the doctor wants to put him on meds, will they hurt him? I'm so confused with this decision. My son is the most caring, empathetic child I know, at this moment, he is making things for me, but he can also be the most hateful, mean child I know. I wonder what I did wrong? Did I do something when he was in my womb, did I not spend enough time with him as a baby, did I not discipline him enough when he was younger so he feels like he can get away with anything? These are all things that are going through my mind. And, I just don't know the answer.

When I started this blog, I planned it to be about my running and exercise experiences but I've realized that my personal life plays a part of my exercise life, and I want this blog to be about me. With that you are going to get all of me, not just one little part. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

  1. sorry you are having such a hard time. I doubt it has anything to do with something you did or didn't do. You are a good mom for doing what is best for him even though it is hard for you. Hopefully the Dr. can give you some advice other than medication.