Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Better day

So after a good night's sleep, I am feeling better about my decision. I really think that I have made the right decision about consulting with a psychiatrist about Hunter. I have talked with family - especially ones that I thought wouldn't agree with my decision, and they all agree with me. I was very surprised and relieved that my confidants supported me. It's great to know that I have such a great support system, both offline and online. I so appreciate that, because it has made my decision feel "right". So, tomorrow I go and have consultation with the psychiatrist to get a background. I am very nervous about this appointment, and I don't know why. This is a good thing, both for Hunter and my whole family. Today was a good day, one that might make me reconsider my decision. Hunter was awesome all day and we even went out to dinner and had a calm meal, but I know that this is a rarity and we still need to figure out the problem and find the solution. I'm hoping the doctor will give me some good suggestions so our vacation won't be horrible. Fingers crossed that we have a relaxing vacation.

On the exercise side, I was very lazy, tired,  this morning, like almost every Wednesday morning, and did not work out. But I've decided that's ok, I'll just come out stronger tomorrow. I have decided that it is not good to stress about things, it is not good for my mental and physical health. I just need to try my best and just roll with it. If things are not going my way, its not good to stress about it, I just need to figure out a way to get through it, and hope things change for the best. I hope I continue to keep this attitude because it is so much better for me, but unfortunately realistically I know for me, that isn't possible. I am a worry wort, and I worry about everything. That is why running is great release for me, it allows me to escape for a little while and when I come back with a fresh mind, my choices are so much clearer. So, that said, I am going to just keep on running. :)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is it me?

Ok, so in my running world, things are pretty good. I did a 5 mile run Sat, 2 miles on Sun and today I did my scheduled 3 miles. I even got up on Monday and did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I'm glad I did because I need the time to destress. I've mentioned in my past blog that my youngest son is a challenge. I love him death and wouldn't trade his spirit for the world. He is a very loving boy (when he wants to be) and he's definitely a momma's boy and when he loves me, he does it with every part of himself, but when he's in a bad mood, he hates me just the same way. It baffles me that someone could have such extremes. He also really only has 2 speeds, fast or stop - there really is no in between. For 8 years, I have fought bringing him to a psychiatrist, mainly because I did not want him put on drugs. I have watched children look like zombies because of their medicine and that is not something I want. I enjoy my son's passion - when he does something he enjoys, he does it all the way.

One thing that I have noticed throughout his lifetime is that if he can't do something perfectly, he chooses not to do it all. When he was a baby he was a late crawler, but he didn't just crawl, he basically speed crawled, and then when it was time for him to walk, he was late with that also, but he didn't walk, he ran. He gets so frustrated when he can't do something, and he doesn't know how to deal with his frustration. He also doesn't know how to deal with his anger. If something doesn't go his way, he takes it to extreme, so much so that he ends up in his room. Once there, he kicks, screams, hits his head on the ceiling, etc. I finally decided that at this point I have tried everything, and the only thing left is to get him some professional help. I hate this decision, because I feel like I have failed him. I have tried to protect him, and guide him, and now it seems I can't do either.

In the back of my mind, I know taking him to the psychiatrist is probably the best thing for him, but it kills me that I have to do it. I have not done a good job as a mother. How selfish does that sound? This is not about me, this about my son and what is best for him. But is this decision the best; what if the doctor wants to put him on meds, will they hurt him? I'm so confused with this decision. My son is the most caring, empathetic child I know, at this moment, he is making things for me, but he can also be the most hateful, mean child I know. I wonder what I did wrong? Did I do something when he was in my womb, did I not spend enough time with him as a baby, did I not discipline him enough when he was younger so he feels like he can get away with anything? These are all things that are going through my mind. And, I just don't know the answer.

When I started this blog, I planned it to be about my running and exercise experiences but I've realized that my personal life plays a part of my exercise life, and I want this blog to be about me. With that you are going to get all of me, not just one little part. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I did it! I did it!

Ok, so I'm tooting my own horn tonite! :) As I mentioned, last week was tough, and I was cranky, etc., etc. What I really needed was another run - My schedule called for Mon - XT, Tues - run, Wed - XT, Thurs - run. Well, Tuesday I didn't get up before work to run, and at the end of the day was just not feeling a run, so instead I did Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I swear, she kicks my butt harder than a run any day. On Wednesday, I was exhausted, and again didn't get up before work to do anything. By the end of the day, I was feeling really guilty that I hadn't run yet, so I did a 3 mile run - woot woot, felt great. Thursday, overly exhausted, so all I got in was a swim in the evening. Friday became a rest day, ugh!! So that left only a Tuesday run that week - boo! So, Jenn and I made a pack that we would encourage each other to do what we planned on Saturday.

Well Saturday brought having my car in to be re-serviced at 8 am. I set my alarm, I was so determined to get up and run before I went, but Friday night was not fun, and it was really late by the time I fell asleep, so yup you guessed it, alarm was changed and no run was accomplished that morning. Ugh, what an epic fail - I totally felt like a complete failure. Luckily, I was in and out of the dealership in 45 mins. I came home and cleaned the house, still ticked off at myself for not running that morning. I thought for sure I would not get my run in. Luckily, I ended up with some time at the end of day, and I did it, I got my run in, and to top it off I exceeded my goal. I wanted to do 4 miles, which was the longest I have run since my 1/2 marathon in March. I told myself I was not stopping until I did 4 miles. I paced myself with a slower run and did 3/1's (For those who don't know, that means 3 mins running, 1 minute walking) and I was so proud of myself, I pushed myself past 4 miles. I felt like I was dying, but I told myself it's only 1 more mile, you can do it. And guess what? I did!!! Woot woot, tooting my own horn. Sorry, but it is a great accomplishment for me to talk myself out of stopping.

Sundays are my day to run with my run with my youngest son, but we both slept in and when we woke up he didn't want to run, but he did want to play tennis. So, out the door we went and played for 30 minutes. I still wanted to get in the normal 2 miles that we usually do together. My day was filled with errands, but I was able to get my 2 miles in at the end of the day. I'm hoping that this determination will continue and I will continue to encourage (force) myself to complete my scheduled workouts. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do my workouts, I know it's good for me and I actually do enjoy each and every one of them, even if they are hard. So what is my problem? Am I lazy, or do I not get enough sleep? I'd like to think I'm not lazy, I work full time, take care of a household and a family, and I also go to school part time. To me that doesn't constitute laziness, but does make me tired, which requires sleep to compensate, and honestly I don't think I get what I need. So where's the solution?  I want to be able to work out before work, it's really too hot to do it after, but yet, I wanted to feel rested. Any suggestions on how to sleep better?

Friday, July 22, 2011

Life gets in the way or maybe its just me that gets in my way

This has been quite a challenging week for me. My youngest has not behaved well all week, except this evening when he helped me clean the house some. I have been exhausted, think I am fighting off a summer cold or something. I've been trying to destress after a very hard summer course that I didn't do well in, and that just ticks me off. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to school - I want straight A's, so I get annoyed if I get a B, and a C is just unacceptable. Well a C is what I got in this course, and I am still beating myself up for it. Ugh, time to get over it and move on. Then today, I burn myself with my hair straightener, then my car won't start - Really?? Ugh. So hubby to the rescue and he gets me a new battery, but now my brake lights just come on intermittently, so I need to take it to be serviced tomorrow morning. Ugh, deja vu - I just spent my last Saturday morning getting my car serviced because the check engine light was on and guess what it was a brake control switch - anyone see the correlation there? So now another wasted morning, waiting on them to fix my car - ugh.

Tomorrow I was going to attempt to run at least 4 miles, which is longer than any run I have done since my 1/2 marathon, but I need to be at the dealership at 8. That means I would actually have to get up about 5:30 to achieve it. I am not a morning person, so that is going to be quite a feat. It's so easy for me to hit the snooze, or change the time on my alarm and go back to sleep. Then I am discouraged with myself because there goes another missed opportunity to get a good run in. I know, I know, you all are telling me to stop beating myself up about it, but I also can't let myself keep making excuses for why I didn't get up to run or exercise. I do well for a few days, sometimes even a week or two, but then I'm back to the same old lame excuses - I'm too tired, didn't sleep well last night, don't feel good, etc., etc. I started this week out great, but then Thurs, and Friday I gave in. I did redeem myself Thursday by swimming/playing with the boys in the pool, but nothing today. I guess I could consider it a rest day, but I need to make sure its not a rest weekend!!

So I am pledging to get a run in tomorrow, come H**l or high water. And if I don't I give you all permission to scream, yell, beat me up about it! Maybe putting it out here, and making myself accountable will   force me to give up my excuses and actually do it. I know I need a run with how stressful my week has been, and I know I will feel so much better when I do it, so why don't I? Pure laziness is the only thing I can come up with. With that all said, my brain needs to force my body to do it!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sporty Girl Jewelry giveaway

I absolutely love this jewelry, and it would be great if either I or one of my running friends won it. So sign up for her giveaway - You can't win if you don't play!! Just click the link below and good luck -

Sporty Girl Giveaway

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Motherhood - the most challenging job

Today started out great, got up early, ran/walked 3 miles. My body was still tired from Jillian Michael's kicking my butt the day before in 30 Day Shred Level 2. My body wanted to stop at 1 mile, but my mind wouldn't allow it - I convinced myself that I wasn't allowed to quit early. I planned to do 3 miles and I wasn't stopping until I did. I'm very proud of myself for that. The next 30 minutes went great, did some sit ups and push ups, started getting ready for work, but that is where my day took a turn for the worst.

I love both my boys with all my heart, and wouldn't trade them for the world. That said, my younger son is quite a challenge. He lives in extremes; he either is very happy, or he is extremely angry/sad. Today was a bad day for him. I tried to wake him up to go to summer camp, and he said he was tired. It took me ten minutes to even really get a response from him about what he wanted for breakfast, which he claimed he had already told me and wasn't going to tell me again. Well that was the foreboding for how the rest of the morning went. From that point on it went from screaming matches to fights of crying. Finally, breakfast was made, and then he found out his brother was not going to camp with him and got to stay home; that brought on more crying. By the time I dropped him off, I was already exhausted, which I still am.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my son. I'm sure he is going to make a great attorney one day, with how stubborn and convincing he is. But sometimes I just cannot deal with his extreme moods, and anger fits. I do not want to put him on meds because I don't want him to be a zombie, so I spent all day searching for homeopathic/natural remedies to help him. Now I am more confused then ever, one website will say this is great and it works, the next will say that it is not safe for kids. Trust me, I do not want to put anything into my child's body that is not good for him, so where do I go from here? This behavior is not good for him or us, but I don't think meds are the answer just yet. Oh, I forgot to mention, I think part of his problem is he isn't a good sleeper. And who isn't very cranky if they don't get enough sleep. So, I continue my quest to find something natural that will help.  I am almost desperate. He is almost 9 years old, and has always been a challenge, even when he was in the womb. I was 8 mths pregnant when I started having contractions, and he waited until his due date to come out. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


It seems these days that everything I do has to be scheduled into my already busy life. I work full time, married with two boys, and going to school part time. Add to that managing a household, and my life seems pretty full. Where does that leave "me" time? Many might say, well going to school is doing something for myself. Well, yeah, it is, but it is also extremely stressful, and very taxing on my brain. I also need something that helps me destress, and clear my mind. Running/exercise is what does that for me. So, I NEED to add it to my weekly schedule. The question then becomes when I can find time? I know I need it, so I must make time.

I decided that I want to run my second 1/2 marathon in November. My first, in my opinion, did not go as well as I wanted it to. I felt completely unprepared, and was dealing with undiagnosed exercise induced asthma. So, this time around, I am managing my asthma, and want to be prepared. I have found a training plan that I like, and have made it one of my priorities. I've learned that if I'm not happy, my family is miserable, so I have made sure to add "me" time into my schedule. That said, though, I still sometimes just don't feel like running. This is where the "hate" portion of running comes into play. Sometimes, I can force myself onto the treadmill, or out on the road, and in the end I am glad I did, but other times I just can't do it. Or, something happens and I just can't devote the time I need to my run. So, this is where flexibility comes in.

Yes, I have a scheduled training plan with set days to run, cross train or rest, but when things get in the way, I need to be able to swap days or even sometimes, even have to skip exercising that day. This happened to me today, I had to leave early today to take my two dogs to the vet, so that didn't allow for a morning run, and if anyone knows Florida, its pretty hard to run in the afternoon. Unfortunately, my treadmill is in the garage, and even with fans, is really hot. I knew today, because it was so hot, I wouldn't be able to run the miles I want, so I decided I needed to be flexible. And, just so you know, I am not the most flexible person in the world. I like schedules, they keep me on track, which is something  I need. I easily get off track. I don't know how many times I get distracted during the day, and forget what I was originally doing. Kind of what I am doing right now - LOL. Ok, back to the point of my blog, flexibility. So, today, it was do another type of exercise or none at all. I'm proud of myself, I didn't let myself give in. I chose, another type of exercise, and not an easy one at that. I chose Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - Level 2, and if anyone has tried it, it is definitely not easy. So, I am patting myself on the back, the old me would've hung up the towel, grabbed a beer, and plopped on the couch to watch tv. The new me says I can't have a beer unless I workout first. As London Tipton says, YAY me! :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

To dance or sing :)

There are two things I really like to do, dance and sing. Unfortunately, I am not good at either of them. I am only allowed to sing along to music when none of my family is around. I cannot carry a tune to save my life. Luckily, I do have some time in the car alone when I can belt it out. I wonder how I must look to all the other drivers on the road. Pretty weird I would imagine, but honestly, I don't care - I love to sing! :)

As for dancing, I definitely have two left feet, but I have always wanted to try Zumba. My friends were telling me all the time how much fun and what a great workout it was. Then, the most amazing thing happened, a Zumba game came out for the Wii. How perfect is that, a way to do it in my own home. Oh, I forgot to mention, that I am incredibly cheap and don't want to pay for a gym membership, and incredibly lazy, if I have to go anywhere to exercise, I won't do it. Ok, back on track. Zumba came out for the Wii. I was so ecstatic. Unfortunately, it was quite pricey, not appealing to my cheap side. Ugh, what to do, what to do. Then, as if it was fate, it went on sale. So of course my frugal self bought it, and I am so happy I did. I absolutely love this Wii game. It's perfect - I can dance my heart out and nobody has to be punished watching me :) LOL I am definitely "white girl can't dance". Seriously, though, if any of you are interested in Zumba, but afraid/bashful and don't want to do it in public, this is the game for you. It offers different levels - beginner, intermediate and advanced, and different lengths, either 25 or 40 minutes.

Just so you know, I'm not trying to advertise a Wii game. This is just a game that I really enjoy. I have others that I switch it up with, but I just really enjoy Zumba. And isn't exercise supposed to be fun - how do we expect ourselves to actually workout every day if we don't enjoy what we do - we need to find routines that are fun, but yet challenging. No one wants an extremely easy workout, that's boring, but yet we don't want a routine that is so hard we get frustrated. Where's the happy medium? It's in a workout that is challenging, but not too much, and fun, so we aren't bored. That's what I look for, always something new, so I don't get bored with what I am doing. If anyone has some suggestions, I am definitely interested.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My first post

This is my first post. It won't be the best post I do, but I'm sure it won't be the worst. I just finished my second to last college course today. YAY! It was the hardest course I think I have ever taken. Who would've thought that meteorology was that difficult. But it's done, I got a C, which really ticks me off, but I worked my butt off, so I have to deal with it. One more class and I will have my Bachelor's degree, I cannot wait.

But that's not what my blog is about. It is about the challenges and successes I face while I try to be a "runner". I love running, but at the same time, I hate running. It takes me beyond my comfort zone. It challenges me, but yet if I don't run it makes me very cranky. Running releases all those good endorphins that destress me, so I know if I run, I will feel great. But yet, my mind and body fights it; they say I can't do it, and I need to prove them wrong. I know I can do it, but sometimes my mind overruns me and I give up and I don't run or exercise. It kills me because I know if I just suck it up and do it I am going to feel awesome. So why do I let my mind tell me "go back to sleep, you are tired" ? I need to force myself up, it is so worth it. People, I guarantee you, it is sooo worth it. Exercise makes you feel so awesome! Don't let your mind overrun your body's needs. You will feel better, I promise you! Now, if I could just convince myself :)