Monday, August 15, 2011

1/2 Marathon training plus life

So, I've decided to do another 1/2 marathon. For those who know me, the last one almost killed me. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But it was pretty bad. It was before I knew that I had asthma, and I didn't train as much as I wanted to, I just wasn't dedicated and determined enough - basically I gave up. I have decided this time, I am not letting myself quit, and so far I am going strong.

Last week called for 4 running days, 1 XT or running day and 2 rest days. I did all my running days (very impressed with myself because I did them all in the morning. I made myself get up which is a feat in itself - I am not a morning person. I even got up at 7 on Saturday to do my 6 miler. That is amazing because normally I would stay in be until at least 8:30 - 9. My only disappointment is that I actually did take Friday as a rest day, while the schedule called for a rest day, my own schedule called for a XT training day. But, I forgave myself and moved on. I didn't totally rest on Sunday, because we went horseback riding for my son's birthday. He was so excited - a great surprise :) Week 2 has started out great - I did my Monday run and am excited to do my 4 miler tomorrow.

Tonight brings other challenges. My son,that I have been having issues with, was awesome last week. No fighting, no tantrums, etc. Well it was his birthday Sunday, so obviously he was working us. Tonight, he is throwing a major tantrum. Obviously, he knows how to behave, so why all the sudden is he not behaving again. Hello, its not going to bring a different response, matter of fact, it makes me more ticked off. Hello, you can only behave when you want something, UH NO, I don't think so. Right now, I am so mad. I have been the biggest supporter of my son, making excuses for him, thinking I was doing the best for him. Well I guess I was wrong, because obviously, he knows how to behave, he just chooses to do it when he wants to. Ugh, I feel so stupid, my child has totally played me. I feel like a total fool, and I know my husband feels the same way about me. He is my baby and I guess I have over babied him. My oldest was so much different, never demanding attention, always a good baby, and very easy to raise. I am only now having some issues with him (he is a preteen) but nothing major.

My youngest has been a challenge since he was in the womb. I was in labor for over a month. I couldn't eat a meal without having to hold him, etc. So, I guess his behavior is now my fault because I probably gave in a little to much when he was younger, but honestly it was because I was trying to avoid a conflict. I would fight the important stuff with him, but if it wasn't a huge deal, I would let it go to avoid the fight, which my husband hated. It is a huge power struggle between my husband and him, and I am smack in the middle. I am severely stressed because of this, and I seriously don't know what to do. Running helps a lot, but not enough. Wine, a little more, but still not enough. I'm at the point that I truly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I have caused this problem, and I can fix it , or if it is something beyond my control. I had a consultation with one doctor who felt family therapy is the answer. While I like that more than drugs, I do not see my son opening up to anyone - he is extremely shy and rarely speaks to anyone until he has finally opened up to them. So my struggle continues, have him evaluated which might lead to him being on drugs (yikes :() or continue to deal with this, hoping he will grow out of it, which seems unlikely since he is nine. As I sit and listen to him still continue to throw a fit over an hour later, I seriously wonder if I am a good mom, did I do something wrong? I just don't know anymore :(

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